Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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Is fake venison called venisn’t
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.