@Travis_Lemire

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

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@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!

@envydatropic

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

@dadmann_walking

5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.

dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.

@2browneyedboys

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

@Cheeseboy22

I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.

@gwatts77

If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.

@djdarrellripley

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…