Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
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I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
what it’s like dating me:
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally