Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.


Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.


Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.


Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.


*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*


Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I’ve never heard a baby say: “cigarettes,phone and keys alright let’s go”


Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.


About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.


[notice son’s not home]



17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?


[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]