Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
You Might Also Like
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
If I donate blood and you’re in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don’t blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…