@Travis_Lemire

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

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@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@HeatherLuvsYou

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

@SeanBlazed

Miss someone? Paint a helium balloon like their face. Deflate it. Put it in your back pocket. They’re still gone and that was weird advice.

@AngelaLovesNY

Cardinals are fornicating on my porch again! The birds…not the religious robey dudes.

@GrabTheWEness

*posts Social Security number on social media*

*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*

@heroinsdemise

Why do baby clothes have pockets?
I’ve never heard a baby say: “cigarettes,phone and keys alright let’s go”

@iLikeCatShirts

Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.

@PickleRudd

About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.

So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.

@3sunzzz

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?

@JasonLastname

[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]