Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
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Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
are there any atheist mantises?
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation