Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
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Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
See..?
.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
sigh
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore