@daviddeweil

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

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@mstern68

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

@Crunk_Jews

People who use a vacation day the day after Christmas to have relatives over clearly don’t understand the meaning of the word vacation.

@AdrianYoung10

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

@JordanRowes

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

@adamzopf

Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.

@PwrFulWmn

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

@DrakeGatsby

“You’re too drunk, I’m cutting you off”

– Lame
– Boring
– You sound like a dork

“My potions are too strong for you, traveler”

– Awesome
– Conveys the stakes of the situation
– You probably have a sword or maybe a wizard staff
– You gotta leave tho you puked in the tip jar

@TuSoonShakur

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

@markydoodoo

[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]

Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.

-Bowser K.

@EvilPandaX

I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.