Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

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boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean


HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.


Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.


From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”


I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”


Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.


My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?


Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it


[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant


50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.