@Pro_Jones_

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

You Might Also Like

@GrantTanaka

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

@TrueTorontoGirl

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

@QuintinForbes

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.

@SarahKSilverman

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

@SarahAMoulton

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

@LaBaPete

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

@kindestgarten

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

@Megatronic13

Teacher: how should we punish the students?

Principal: make them stay home

Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..

Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it

@Gupton68

[poker night with the boys]

wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?

m: yes please, chips and beer

w: ok. winning?

m: all pants are off

w: you meant bets, right?

m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant

@daemonic3

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.