Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
This could be us but you eatin’
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
british sex workers really pound for pound
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.