Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
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If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story