Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
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Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
lot going on here, legally speaking.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
#polloftheday
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.