Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

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Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah


“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician


[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”


Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?


If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.


My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.


I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.


Me: Hey. Nice Honda.

Him: It’s an Acura.

Me: All Asian cars look alike.

Him: You’re racist.

Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.


*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*


To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.