When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
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Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Working on my new book, “How to Get Through Life Without Reading.”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?
There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.