@Marlebean

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

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@UnFitz

Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah

@mrbuster60

“My uncle is a dead person guy”. Me last night when I couldn’t think of the word mortician

@daemonic3

[divorce court]

ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody

JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”

@Lindzeta

Didn’t u hate it when as a kid u got the “mystery flavor” lollipop & the mystery ended up being that your parents got divorced (Or lemon)?

@owlcity

If I walk you home and kiss you goodnight, a simple thank you will suffice. None of this calling the cops crap.

@turtledumplin

My kids seem to remember everything they ever wanted to tell me whenever I’m in the bathroom with the door shut.

@Verity_Holloway

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

@Kyle_Lippert

Me: Hey. Nice Honda.

Him: It’s an Acura.

Me: All Asian cars look alike.

Him: You’re racist.

Me: I bet your Toyota is good at math.

@PaperWash

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

@shariv67

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.