Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.

DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth

ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.

God: i’m sorry the answers no.

Jellyfish: please?

God: it’s just too ridiculous.

Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?

God: yes but-

Jellyfish: pretty please? : (

God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)

Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.

9: You were alive back then?

Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.

Daughter: goodnight Mama.

Wife: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Dada.

Me: goodnight.

Daughter: goodnight Moon.

Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.

Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.

Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.

[Doctor’s office]

Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”

Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”

*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk

Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”

I’m not making that mistake again.

Gin: Wrong.

Cashier: Hello

Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..

Cashier:…

Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.

“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”

I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.

The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.

Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run