George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.
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Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter
“I sure hope that was a cracker”
-Me eating in the dark.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training