@Illiter8

Oh, you thought my hair twirling was flirting?
Actually, it was just me checking for split ends because you were boring the shit out of me.

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@MythicPicnic

George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.

@momtribevibe

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

@Lucifervor

Hear me out: a new Gordon Ramsay show where he helps kindergarteners with homework.

@SirEviscerate

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

@hippieswordfish

ME: any advice
DAD: its ok to embellish a little
[later at job interview]
INTERVIEWER: tell me about yourself
M: i wrote harry potter

@OakHill_

My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.

She has spoken more words today than I did in December.

@Michael1979

REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:

4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training