Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
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Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
reviewed some movies recently
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.