@_steamy_mac

Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away

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@sarawrencomedy

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

@Cheeseboy22

I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.

@morelikelamey

money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas

@TheMichaelRock

You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!

@Gorilla_Turd

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

@Tiim_____

we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so

@BigBagOfScum

All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.

@UnFitz

“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.

@SteveSuckington

[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.