The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
You Might Also Like
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.