Oh, you wanna steal my identity? *hands you wallet and all important documents I can find* Have at ‘er, best of luck, my friend.

*runs away

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HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.


I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.


money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas


You can now take small knives with you on planes, but my 4oz bottle of mouth wash is dangerous. Got it!


God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]


we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so


All my Facebook friends are starting to have kids. Better deactivate my acct. before they try to guilt me into liking pics of their aliens.


“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.


[stranded on a deserted island]

Ok first things first, I need to find a volleyball.