“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
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Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Meanwhile at Wayne Industries…
‘Hey anyone else think it’s weird we make so much batman stuff here’
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.