My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.
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Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Priest: what the HELL
Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin