@sarah1mc

Oh, you wash your clothes each time you wear them? Well la de da, your majesty.

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@Elizasoul80

My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.

@Browtweaten

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

@LuvPug

I love how Prince Charming is so dumb he doesn’t recognize Cinderella without her shoe.

@TwterGun

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

@phalguy

Whoever came up with the slogan Diamonds are Forever, obviously never had herpes.

@junejuly12

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

@Kim_pulsive

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

@suzannemariedo

[funeral]

Priest: what the HELL

Me: *eating banana split like corn on the cob* my bad did you want a bite

@david8hughes

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

@brynnester

Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin