I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
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The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Bill is short for Billiam
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
this could fix me
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.