Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
wut hotdog?
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said