Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
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#parenting
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
lol sometimes I-
[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…