Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
You Might Also Like
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
#DesignFail
This is my pinned tweet
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there