Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Oh, you’re a fan of music? Name one song.
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Why are they called library fines and not hush money?
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
A cannibal is just a foodie who likes other foodies.