@Gooooats

Oh, you’re a fan of music? Name one song.

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@Tups13

Why are they called library fines and not hush money?

@Beagz

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

@Brentweets

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

@CrockettForReal

Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes

@RobertDuffy91

I refrain from jogging in the morning because according to Law & Order: SVU there is a 95% chance you’ll find a dead body

@heyitsJudeD

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

@JimmerThatisAll

It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.