me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
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My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Butt weight. There’s more!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again