@AlexisGZall

oh you’re a feminist? name every woman

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@Eden_Eats

Hey men, don’t be fooled by maxipad commercials.

Ladies aren’t really full of blue windshield washer fluid.

@Chumpstring

[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new

@NoTheOtherJohn

Me: *Rubbing Chin* Why am I always hungry 30 mins after I eat Chinese food?
Chin: [pushing my hand away}I dunno man I just deliver the food.

@xor

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

@danjan13

Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.

@ADHDeanASL

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

@SeiYoung83

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

@dkn33c

i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.