Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
oh you’re a feminist? name every woman
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Her: I love your scent, what is it?
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Me: Good night, moon.
[30 mins later]
Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.