@AlexisGZall

oh you’re a feminist? name every woman

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@TheRealRHB

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

@Bandersnaaatch

DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT

@Jay_FrickinLynn

Me: Good night, moon.

[30 mins later]

Moon: I thought you went to bed. I saw you favorite that tweet. Why aren’t you reading my messages?

@christinaloca

How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@wholemik

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

@MizzusT

Nobody in their forties looks forty, you either look young or like 83

@mattgallo123

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.