My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
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the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
This is I, Robot all over again
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”