If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
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Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds