Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.