Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Who knew!
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.