Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
oh you’re a millennial? name one industry you’ve killed
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When your cat is giving you the silent treatment
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
Only $139.95! Act now!
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see