I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”