@gabrielamadej

oh you’re a millennial? name one industry you’ve killed

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@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@sixfootcandy

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

@TheBoydP

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: Have often do you have sex?

Me: Once or twice

Doctor: A week?

Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on

@TheTobbie

My mind: “Today was a productive day.” My body: “Please don’t drink 11 cups of coffee again.”…

@Alex_N_Chains

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

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Uncertain:

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Just married:

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Pregnant:

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Dead:

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Only $139.95! Act now!

@SarahPDorfman

I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.

@MattMcElaney

“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”

They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!

*crowd GASPS*

@mrjohndarby

[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much

[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see