Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
You Might Also Like
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…