Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

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Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card??

Me: Beats me

*pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed


I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it


She blindfolded me and said she was going to put heaven on my lips.

I asked what kind of pizza it was.

I woke up outside with a concussion


eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots


At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.


Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!


Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”