The sweats say I’ve given up. The Nike logo says “but not entirely.”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”
Husband: Why are you always talking to yourself?
Me: Because she agrees with me.
Also me, to me: Is he always like this?
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*