Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
You Might Also Like
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”