@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

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@DurtMcHurtt

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

@stephenjmolloy

Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.

@DadandBuried

Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!

– Nuns N’ Moses

(I’m so sorry)

@mdob11

Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.

@JaneBadall

The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

@Ygrene

[squirrel meeting]

Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator

Owl: hoo

Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen

@laabruzzi

*bumpes into my ex on the street

*dials a number

Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!

@junejuly12

Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.

@merican_ninjy

Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”