Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
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I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.