Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
Okay
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
“I’m helping” 😅
just leave it at the foot of the bed
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer