Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
You Might Also Like
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.