Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
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I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Worst bar ever.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
They’re not wrong
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.