@_steamy_mac

Oh, you’re serious about hiking? Cool, I know how to walk, too.

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@squirrel74wkgn

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@IAmYardDad

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

@OhioMomoftwo

When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.

@moooooog35

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@notalogin

If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.

@citizenkawala

Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.

@jamdugg

Friend: “Hey, that girl is cute. Can you put in a good word for me?”
Me: “Sure”
*walks up to girl*
*whispers* “magnanimous”

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.