People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
*rolls up to teens on skateboard*
Hello kids. Can I interest you in a marijuana party?
*pulls out bong with evidence sticker on it*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Cop: We need to test you for marijuana.
Me: That’s kashmir purple kush.
Cop: Correct, you’re free to go.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don’t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.