Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
TWEET CALL
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looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.