Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir