Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
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I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Merica.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Did you know there are people who go away for 3 days and only pack 3 days’ worth of clothing?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?