Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?


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I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.


As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.


It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes


[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”


“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.


ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
HUB: His dream not mine


Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.


[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”


my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners


My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall