Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me