@IshJibber

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

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@iRowlf

I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.

@Jandalize

As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.

@LOLGOP

It was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve! – someone who believes in talking snakes

@Mr_Kapowski

[calls wife from store]

“Are you in more of a frolicking or jumping in the air mood? There’s so many tampon choices”

@gingerfaced

“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

@Book_Krazy

ME: Did you hear Jack & Cindy got divorced and he’s dating someone half his age?
HUB: Yep. He’s livin the dream
ME:
HUB: His dream not mine

@Scott_A_Gilmore

Ladies, if he says he would go to the “end of the earth” for you and then he goes missing, check Finland.

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

@AbbieEvansXO

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

@Mr_Kapowski

My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall