Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?


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The reason my daughter wasn’t nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn’t seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.


Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning


I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.


An evil villain is on the loose

Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?

[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]

Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me


The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.


Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.


I thought I found my soul mate for a minute there, but he was just a pervert on the internet.

*runs after him


[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …


Yeah baby, I’m the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backing singer. More of a Drummer. Triangle player..Roadie. I Saw a band once.


I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.