How funny!
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No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing