@9GAGTweets

Ohh no, its retarded

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@panmidwest

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

@HiddleDeeDee

If it seems as though I love the dog more than you, kids, well that’s because he doesn’t have homework I need to help him with.

@TheBoydP

I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!

@bobvulfov

[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children

@stevevsninjas

The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.

@kumailn

The Devil has his own Bible. He’s releasing it slowly in internet comment threads all across the web.