“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

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Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.


[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.


I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.


Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.


One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.


The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.