“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
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My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If the US ends up in a civil war the history books will be insane, like did you read about the Battle of Burger King? You didn’t?! Let me tell ya, it was a whopper
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat