@fillthevacuum

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

- @fillthevacuum

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@DaddyJew

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

@MarfSalvador

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

@Ideal_Victoria

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

@abbycohenwl

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Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
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@ewfeez

*getting turned away at airport security*
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@jumpdashark

My tombstone will read: If You Don’t Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.

@1par8head

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@mela_shea

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

@RexHuppke

BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota