@fillthevacuum

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.

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@Sassafrantz

Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[sams club]

ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!

LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?

ME: Uhh, I left it at home.

LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.

ME: Please! I’ll be quick.

@YSylon

I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

@AristotlesNZ

Turns out the easiest way to piss of a vegan is to refer to their veganism as their “eating disorder”.

@SnarkyMommy78

One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.

@SarahFemme

The quickest way to find out the time is to order a beer at breakfast with your mother.