How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
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Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
haha same
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both