Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

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A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.


Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.

Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?


Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”

Con1: “Yes.”

Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”

*in unison* “death sentences.”


It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.


[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.


Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*


*When you can teleport through your phone*

Hello! Can you here me?


I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.