Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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TRIX RABBIT [finally eating a bowl of Trix cereal]: Ehh
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Prison Guard: “So you two cons are in love?”
Con2: “It’s like we finish each other’s…”
*in unison* “death sentences.”
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.