Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
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Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Human are so complicated
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
How to find Kentucky on a map
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.