OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.