OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
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Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”