Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
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Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there