@KenJennings

Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer

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@TheCiscoKidder

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

@ohpegah

ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager

@LouisPeitzman

If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.

@BevisSimpson

To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.

@RachelNoise

The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.

@heysarahsweeney

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

@squirrel74wkgn

Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?

Him: …

*peeks under bathroom stall*

Did you hear me?

@dshack8

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

@shegotagronk

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

@graceful_asfuck

Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude