My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Ok America now is our chance to catch up on productivity, health care, math & science while the rest of the world is drunk & watching soccer
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ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude