Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
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Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Bond. Trauma bond.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.