If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
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The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.