Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
oh no, steve’s working tonight
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”