ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
looks legit