me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
this will hang in the louvre one day
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I’d use my best pan on you.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
they finally got him. they got macavity
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look