Ok don’t judge me, but sometimes I wonder what color does a smurf turn into if I choke it.

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“Look slightly worried.” – picture advice from The Singer/Songwriter’s Handbook


You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.


Me: How are you?
Coworker: I can’t complain.
Me: *sticks finger in his coffee*
Coworker: I just paid for that!
Me: I knew you were lying.


Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.


when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit


DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here


[first cat being domesticated]

What’s that thing your petting?

“It’s called a cat”

Do they bite?

“Oh ya LOL all the time!”


have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn


DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.