@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

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@DrCephalopod

[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum

@blondecalamity

Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!

@hiitsgabrielle

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.

@BadJokeCat

Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.

@AnOrangeSNES

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

@vDzwa

This is why we study Economics. To understand the importance of resource allocation lol😂

@DurphyMylan

Pretty sure Subway just throw a calculator down a flight of stairs when pricing your food

@jinkee

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

@SleazySli

[at a spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is SPELL.

Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*

Judge: Ribbit