ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
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‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your face, no one wants to hear about your workout.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
This is why we study Economics. To understand the importance of resource allocation lol😂
Pretty sure Subway just throw a calculator down a flight of stairs when pricing your food
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
[at a spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is SPELL.
Witch: *mumbles something under her breath*