@Book_Krazy

*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*

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@LousyBastard

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

@rachelle_mandik

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

@KKBowls

My psychiatrist told me I need to love myself more. I was like, “damn doc I’m already up to 3 times a day”

@MoistPork

If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.

@Gooooats

Avenge me! But only through passive aggressively commenting loudly around my murderer how great it would be to still have me alive.

@ArfMeasures

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

@AimeeHelene1

*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*

Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience

@qbermensch

“pew, pew, pew!”

-me, pointing out seating options in a church

@Rollinintheseat

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

@elle91

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.