*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
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Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.