Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
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Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.